I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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