My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
