We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dick very happy bro
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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