My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
Randomize
