this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
