There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
