i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
