How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
Randomize
