I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
