I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
