Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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