then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
