If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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