ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
