i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
