It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
