I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
