Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
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