They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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