Four minutes until I can fart!
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
