btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Randomize
