Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
