he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
