I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
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