the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
