There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
