In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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