you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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