Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I'd cum for enchiladas.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
