I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Randomize
