life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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