I forgot how hot balto sounded
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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