You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
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