This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
