I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
