That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I got inside last night via doggy door
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
