how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
