if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i already hear my dad disowning me
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
