FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
