my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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