If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Text me some of your sweat
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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