Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
