I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Randomize
