So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
some dude is getting blown right outside the bar in his car. reeediculous
class
he's dribbling her head like he's fucking allen iverson
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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