I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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