I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
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