"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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