there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
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