Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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