Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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