So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
