Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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