I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
