my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
But break dance skills will only take you so far
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
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